jubilant 
lemoneFROM: Your Secret Valentine
Title: There's Always One
Rating: NC-17
Timeline: Straight after Season 4 Episode 6: Writersklok
Pairings: Charles/Nathan, implied S/T
Warnings: Unsafe sex, dubious fashion sense, references to slavery, alcohol and drugs
Summary: Charles uses some unorthodox methods to ensure the safety of the band, and Nathan puts two and two together. Which somehow makes five... But only one counts.
"Okay. Guys. Great to have you back," Charles began. "Now, if we can get down to actually recording—"
"WAIT!"
"Yes Nathan?" he asked, dreading whatever was coming next. Every wasted second was another thousand dollars of debt to Crystal Mountain Records, and he did not want to waste any more time than absolutely necessary. Unfortunately, this was Dethklok, and wasting time was their specialty.
"Wait. Are you just gonna ignore the fact that a bunch of crazy sluts nearly killed us?"
"I'm not ignoring that Nathan, I'm—"
"Yeeaah," Pickles chimed in. "Those sluts nearly killed us."
"Ja, dems sluts almost kills us!" Skwisgaar was vehement enough to put down his guitar. "Alls because theys don't wants to suck some cocks or somethings. Dat amn'ts a reasons whats to kills people!"
"Yeah!" added Toki. "Dat amn'ts a reasons whats to kills people!"
Charles pinched the bridge of his nose. He did not like where this was going. At all. Especially because he knew exactly what had gone on. Still, better to let them have their say and get this over with.
"William? Do you have anything you want to add to this conversation?"
"Yesch. Yesch I do. Thosche schluts were crazy. Did you know they wanted to schell us as schex schlaves?"
"Yes William," Charles said. "I did know that."
"Wait, WHAT!" Nathan yelled, slamming a fist against the table. "They were going to sell us as sex slaves and you knew about it?"
"Yes Nathan."
"Why didn't you save us?"
"I, uh, I did." Charles was dreading where this was about to end up.
"Oh wowee, you saves us!" Toki exclaimed, and Charles fervently hoped that this would derail the conversation. No such luck.
"Wait. Charles. Did they sell us as sex slaves?"
"Yes Nathan. They, uh, they did."
"They sold us as sex slaves. They sold us. Us. As sex slaves." Nathan's brow furrowed. "And... wait. Wait a minute here. It was you. You bought us."
Charles sat silently, waiting for the inevitable.
"YOU BOUGHT US AS SEX SLAVES"
Charles winced. "Yes."
"You bought us as sex slaves. That is wrong. That is really, really, wr— Hey! How come if you bought us as sex slaves you never tried to have sex with us?"
Well, that had come out of nowhere.
"Yeah! How come you never tried to have schex with usch?"
"William. Do you really want me to answer that question?"
"It'sch because I'm fat, isn't it! You hate me because I'm fat!"
"No, William. Sit down." Charles took a deep breath. "I bought you because it was the safest way to get you out of the country and back to Mordhaus. I never intended to have sexual relations with any of you. Do you understand?"
Toki looked like he was about to cry. "Nots evens Toki?"
"Toki," Skwisgaar said, "Nobodies ams wants to haves sex withs you whens they could has the sexes withs me."
"But, but, Toki is the handsomests and the best and I has the suits with the bunnys ears and everythings!"
"Toki," Pickles sobered up enough to say, "that's kinda gay."
"Hey." Nathan interrupted. "Hey. Isn't buying a bunch of men as sex slaves kinda gay?"
"Yesch!" Murderface spat, causing Charles to take out a pocket handkerchief to wipe the table down with. "Buying men as schex sclaves is gay. Are you gay, Charlesch?"
"Uh..."
"Are yer gay, charlie?
"Yeah, ams you the gays? Toki wills still bes your friends if you ams, it's cool."
"Ams you?"
"Charles"
Charles looked at each band member in turn. "Uh... Yes."
"That isch... That isch scho gay. I don't think I can work under thesche conditionsch." Murderface stood. "I think I'm just going to go fuck schome schluts. Yup. Fuck schome schluts. See you guys. After I fuck schome scluts."
Charles watched him leave, the sound of the heavy door closing behind William Murderface weighing significantly upon his thoughts. "Anyone else?"
"Ja," Skwisgaar said. "You buys me for de sex, you ams gays, I sees you at eight."
"No! You sees Tokis at seven!"
"Then you can sees me at six ands at eight, and ins the betweens you can plays with the mathematicals likes I knows you likes what to do."
Charles looked at Skwisgaar's smile, the one which said, 'you know you want to sleep with me'. Then he looked at Toki's face, which was turning red with anger. This was going to become a crisis if he didn't act soon.
"Ah, not tonight boys. You, ah, need your rest. It's been a long week. How about you just take it easy for the rest of the day, and we'll, uh, talk again tomorrow."
"Okey," Pickles slurred. "That's cool." He looked around, then whispered far too loudly, "yanno, if you wanna fuck me, I'll... I'll prahbably be too drunk to care. So you can just do it."
"No Pickles," Charles said. "That's technically rape. And, uh, highly illegal."
"Naht if you buy my ass a drink first."
"Pickles. Go get some sleep."
"Okey," Pickles said, pulling out a bong and inhaling as he shambled off.
"Nathan?" Charles asked, noting that the big man had neither moved nor bothered to shut his jaw since his 'revelation'. "Anything you want to add to this?"
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Yeah. Okay."
"Well?"
"Are you going to start buying throw pillows?"
"No. No Nathan, I am not going to start buying throw pillows."
"Good, because I hate throw pillows."
That night was peaceful enough, because Charles had instructed the household staff to ensure that there was plenty of alcohol for the boys. As a result, they had been too inebriated to bug him. The next night, however, was different.
Charles walked into his office after spending the evening belowground coordinating new security measures, specifically involving Dethklok and airports. Namely, Dethklok were not to be allowed on commercial flights. Ever. The sight that greeted him was a very drunk, very naked Pickles.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeey! Charlie!"
Charles winced.
"I broke yer lamp, but I poured vahdka up my ass!"
Charles tried to look away, but Pickles was very insistent about proving it. Finally, Charles called security and had Pickles escorted to his own room. He instructed the klokateers to ensure Pickles collapsed in such a way as to not choke on his own vomit, then poured a large glass of brandy. He drank it in one gulp, poured another, then headed to his living quarters for some much needed rest. Charles was not a man inclined towards pharmaceuticals, but tonight he made an exception. If he didn't take a sleeping pill, he'd be haunted by visions of Pickles all night. He slipped into a dreamless sleep secure in the knowledge that tomorrow, someone would have replaced the lamp.
The next night, Charles found himself ambushed by Toki. The young man was wearing a bunny costume, but not the kind of bunny costume one might have expected for a seduction attempt. Toki's costume was a one piece fluffy Easter bunny suit, only this one had a bright green vibrating dildo strapped to the front.
"Hey Offdensens! I ams the sexies bunny fors you! I goes 'hop!' 'hop!' likes the sexies rabbits ams dance ins the meadows befores they has the sex!"
Charles was at a loss for words. Fortunately, he didn't have to say anything at that point, because Skwisgaar slunk out from behind one of the ornamental pillars. He was also dressed as a bunny, but one that Hugh Hefner would have been proud to have on staff. Black satin, collar and cuffs, ears and a tail. Charles could almost have been tempted. Almost.
"Stupid Tokis, dat amn’ts the bunnies what ams de sexy kinds."
"It ams too, Skwisgaar!"
"No, dat ams de cuddlies bunnies what ams for de rabbits stew."
"No, dis ams the sex bunnies! I has the real cool codpiece whats to proves it!"
"Dat ams fucked ups."
"You takes that backs! It ams the sex bunnies!"
"Tokis, I ams the sex bunnies."
"YOU PROVES IT!"
"OKAY! I PROVES IT!"
Charles left them to their argument. He beat a hasty retreat to his bedroom, and spent the next twenty minutes masturbating to thoughts of Skwisgaar in the Playboy costume. Which, if he really cared to admit to himself, was not what he was really thinking about at all.
Charles had begun locking his office, which was a very effective tactic for avoiding sexual advances. He found Pickles passed out by the door on two occasions. Toki appeared on another, this time wearing a bunny costume obviously stolen from Skwisgaar. Fortunately Skwisgaar had followed him, and upon seeing Toki another argument ensued. Charles used the distraction to slip into his office and lock the door, but not before hearing Toki challenge Skwisgaar to prove that he was still the sexiest even without being a rabbit.
The brandy bottle was nearly empty, he'd have to remember to ask Jean-Pierre to replace it out of his private liquour collection. He poured the last of it into the glass, knocked it back, and went to his living quarters to begin making inroads on the bottle of cognac he kept there.
The room was undisturbed, the door had even been locked. But the cognac was gone. Charles knew he hadn't drunk it. In fact, he hadn't even opened the bottle yet. So where was the cognac? No one else had access to his rooms. Unless...
"Hey. Charles. You looking for this?"
There was Nathan, stepping into the room holding Charles' precious VSOP imported cognac.
"Nathan! How did you get in here? Give me that!"
"I can go anywhere. It's my house. I don't know why the others haven't figured that out yet. Get some glasses."
Charles was slightly dumbfounded... He honestly hadn't expected any of the members of Dethklok to figure out that yes, they had access to the entirety of Mordhaus. It was their property, after all. He just hadn't realised that any of them would bother going through the computer systems to get to the door override protocols. Still, when Nathan put his mind to something...
Charles sighed, and fetched two glasses from the liquor cabinet. He placed them on the side table and motioned Nathan to pour. He sank into a seat as the liquid filled the glass, gesturing for Nathan to take the one opposite as he took the glass and sipped.
The cognac was excellent, as always.
"So. Nathan. Why are you here?"
"The others," Nathan said, sipping from his own glass. "That is good stuff. How come we don't get this stuff? Anyway. Pickles and Skwisgaar and Toki. They keep trying to have sex with you, but you didn't let them. Right?"
"Er..." Charles said, suddenly very unsure where this was going. He covered his hesitation by taking another sip of his drink, then recovered with, "yes. Er, no. Hmmm. Yes they tried, no I didn't let them."
"Good," Nathan said.
Charles looked at him, surprised. As if Nathan had suddenly realised just what he'd said, he hid behind his hair as he took a large gulp of cognac.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..."
Charles waited. It would come out eventually.
"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Charles said the first thing which came to mind, which was, "I don't know about 'no one', but, uh, I am not sexually attracted to William Murderface."
"Good," Nathan snarled. "So. Are you going to take your clothes off now?"
And that completely and utterly floored Charles, to the point that for the first time in his life he knocked back almost an entire glass of cognac without stopping to savour even one drop. He wondered if he dared pour another.
"What makes you think I want to have sex with you," he asked, turning the tables in order to regain the upper hand.
"Uhhh, well, uhh, you bought us. For sex. And you didn't have sex with anyone else. So that leaves me. For sex. With you."
That was about as eloquent and logical as Nathan ever got, really. And Charles would be lying if he said he wasn't tempted.
"Nathan. If I have sex with you, if, will it put an end to this whole thing? Can we move forward with the record after this?"
Nathan scowled for a moment, thinking it over. "Yes."
"Okay. Fine." With that, Charles loosened his tie.
They stood naked on opposite sides of the bed, by now both liquored up on Charles hideously expensive cognac. Not so much that either were suffering any diminished sexual function. Charles was too drunk to deny that he was aroused by the situation, his cock standing proudly to attest to that very fact.
He could see Nathan was aroused as well, the big man's cock perfectly in proportion with the rest of him. Thick, heavyset, surrounded by dark hair. Charles wanted to touch it, but there would be time for that.
"So, do we, uhhhhhhhhhhh, do we kiss now?"
And God, Nathan could be endearingly naive sometimes. Charles climbed onto the bed, reached across to Nathan, grabbed him and locked their lips together. As the big man fell, Charles manoeuvred them so they were face to face on the bed, touching only with lips and hands. Both sets of hands. Charles's were tangled in Nathan's hair, Nathan with one clamped to the back of Charles's head and the other pressing firmly against his chest. Yes and no. Contradiction. That was Nathan Explosion, all over.
And Charles very much intended to be all over Nathan Explosion.
Nathan was an excellent kisser, which Charles had not expected but was enjoying now he had the opportunity. He slid one hand down Nathan's broad chest, feeling the coarse hair over smooth muscle. He stopped to pinch a nipple, causing Nathan to break off their kiss and gasp.
"Do that again."
Charles did.
It wasn't long before Nathan had pulled Charles to him, the difference in their heights somewhat negated by the greater length of Nathan's cock, so that their kiss remained unbroken while they ground against one another. Charles reached a hand down, found Nathan's heavy balls, tugged them gently as he moved his lips to Nathan's neck. One way or another, he would make his mark tonight.
Nathan's moans told Charles, more than words ever could, that he was enjoying this. Charles hid a grin against Nathan’s collarbone as the volume of his moans increased. Charles’s hand against Nathan’s cock had provoked quite a reaction. It proved to him that even after all these years, he hadn’t lost his touch. It appeared that Nathan Explosion was enjoying himself very much indeed.
So Charles went further, using a finger slippery with leaked fluids skimmed from the tip of Nathan's cock. He carefully probed at Nathan's ass, sliding his finger in half an inch before—
"HEY!"
Charles pulled back, looking into the dangerous green eyes of a very surprised Nathan Explosion.
"Yes?" he asked.
"I came here to fuck you. That's what's going to happen, right?"
Charles sighed inwardly. He had to win this one, and fast. "Nathan, that's not what being a sex slave means."
"So you want to fuck me? Is that what this is?"
"Yes."
"No."
Nathan looked pretty adamant. Time to bring out the big guns.
"What if I promise to go with you next time you have a dental appointment?"
"Er..." Nathan was really thinking about this one.
"And I'll make sure you get the good drugs."
Now Charles could see he was really thinking it through. There was nothing Nathan wouldn't do to make going to the dentist easier, unless he could get away with not going at all. Still, Charles knew very well that Nathan had a previously repaired tooth that needed checking, and Nathan’s appointment was not far away. Charles knew, of course, because he'd booked it himself.
"That's doable."
Charles had triumphed. [[needs more emotion]]
"But only if you come into the room with me, you cannot stay in the waiting room and read crappy magazines that say I'm fat."
"Deal."
After that, it wasn't hard to get Nathan to roll over, to finger him gently while tugging on those impressive balls. Charles enjoyed handling them, Nathan enjoyed the attention they were getting, and the sensations Nathan was receiving seemed to speed along the process so that very soon Charles had three fingers buried to the knuckle inside Nathan Explosion's ass.
Three was enough. Charles wasn't a small man, at least not in that way, but he wasn't anywhere near Nathan's size. He pulled Nathan's hips so that the big man adopted an ass-up position. Reaching for the tube of lubricant, recently used to pleasure himself with thoughts of a slimmer and blonder man, more recently used to grease up the ass of one Nathan Explosion, he carefully lubricated his cock.
Charles liked to linger over his pleasures. Whether it was cognac slowly sipped while savouring a good book, or a morning walk by the Seine while holidaying in Paris, Charles liked to take his time. Sex was no exception. He pressed the head of his cock against Nathan's ass, firmly enough to be felt but not enough to penetrate.
He drank in the sound of Nathan's moan, used his hand to guide his cock head up and down the crack between Nathan's buttocks. He slid it from just above the waiting hole to down, down to touch the top of the testicles between Nathan's legs. Then back up again, and back down... Sometimes pressing more firmly, sometimes not. Finally, he pushed slowly into Nathan, sinking the head into the hot, welcoming heat.
He stopped, feeling every twitch of Nathan's muscles, absorbing every heavy breath and gasp. Then slowly, like the gourmand he was, he pushed in all the way. He didn't wait for Nathan to adjust, but began grinding his hips slowly, while still buried to the hilt.
Nathan was making noises that were somewhere between a moan and a growl, which Charles took to mean he was enjoying the experience. He lowered his chest down onto Nathan's back, freeing his arms to reach around and caress Nathan's hard chest and soft belly. As he stroked the body, hard and soft at once, all Nathan, he began to pump his cock in and out.
Slowly at first, then faster. Small amounts at first, then pulling out almost the entire length and slamming back in. He reached lower, grasped the pulsing length that was Nathan's cock, and pumped it back and forth with his thrusts. He could feel Nathan getting close, and decided to tip him over the edge by grasping the low hanging balls and tugging.
With an indescribable but utterly metal sound, Nathan exploded all over Charles's bedspread.
With a restrained gasp and bitten lip, Charles pulled out and emptied himself onto Nathan's broad back.
Later, after they had both napped, and had another drink, and Charles had changed the bedcovers and Nathan had washed his back where Charles had written his name in semen, they began to talk.
"Charles... That was, uhhhhhhhhhhh... Uh. yeah."
"Yes Nathan. I know. I enjoyed it too."
"You're still going to the dentist with me, right?"
"I am. I said I would."
"Good."
Charles caught the glint of a smile in Nathan's eye as he rolled over, and could have sworn he heard Nathan say, "you'd have gone anyway."
He would have, too. One of these days, he would have to figure out just why it was that Nathan Explosion knew him so very well indeed.
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